Hatred! Do you hate anyone, or anything?? I do & I will not apologize for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In our lives we are taught that hatred is a very bad thing. That it is not right to hate, or to carry hate in your heart. I know what the Bible says about hatred, and that is something I shall deal with. I have one Judge! Things happen in each of our lives at some time, or another that bring up hate in our lives. If it be for a moment, for years, or in our heart…it happens.

Why am I talking about this? Well, something happened the other night that brought up hatred. Some of you already know the story, but I am going to tell it again.

My husband and I were at a Stars vs. Flyers hockey game at the American Airlines Center in Dallas. I am a Dallas Native, and my husband is from Philly. Both of us are very proud of where we are from. I have been a hockey fan since I was very young, and so has my husband. I grew up figure skating, and my husband grew up playing hockey on outside ice. Let’s just say that we are HUGE hockey fans, and so are our girls. Let me say that I do not dislike the Stars, and I have been a Flyers fan since before I met my husband. Always Always Always wanted to watch the Flyers play in Dallas. I have a dear friend who hand picked two of her season tickets specifically for us. She wanted us to attend this game as badly as we wanted to go. Such a selfless, and heartwarming gesture. Yes I was beyond excited that we were going. I painted my nails black and orange, and wore an orange polo. I was so excited I could not stop shaking, and I cried happy tears through the first period. Extreme? Well, I have been told that I am extreme which is fine. I have never known to be subtle. To the game! We are sitting in our seats minding our own business, and enjoying the game. Stars score first then the Flyers scored. I cheered and I got heckled. Okay…it’s a game and I am obviously cheering for the opponent. That’s to be expected…no big deal. 2nd period begins and these two guys are walking to their seats, and the girls in the first two seats behind say loudly how they do not get along with Flyers fans at all. The two guys are now seating behind us, and for the entire second period they talked (loudly) about the things they would like to do to Flyers fans. I can hear them, and the girls next to them. I am not paying too much attention to them. Just so happens to be that I cannot tune out noise, or conversations around me. Stars score and the crowd goes wild. Alright cool…it’s fun because it’s a sporting event. The two guys behind us had walked up at the end of the goal, and one guy pours beer on my back. I could not believe it! I turned to him, and he is looking down at me laughing his head off. He and his friend were obviously drunk, and so were the guys next to them. Nobody apologized to me. If that had happened then it would not have been a big deal. NOW things are no longer fun!  Did I hate those guys? Damn right I did! My husband and I decided to leave. I said a few words to those guys, and they could not even look at me. They could not even look at my husband who happens to be a pretty big man. Who pours their beer on anyone anywhere? Who pours their beer on a woman? What is the point? What were they hoping would happen as the end result? Those questions I will never be able to answer. I do know that we avoided what could have been a very ugly situation by leaving. I hate that we could not continue on with our night, and enjoy the rest of the game. Flyers ended up winning!!!

Let me tell you about some things I hate.

I hate people who want to cause harm to others; bullies; wife beaters; child abusers;.animal abusers; kidnappers; thieves; terrorists.

I hate the drought in Texas; the foundation that is ruining my house; how fast people drive down my street; how bad Rowlett stinks; constant price increase of groceries.

Does this mean I do not have love in my heart?  Not at all. It means I am human.

It is senseless to antagonize someone at a sporting event who is a fan of the opposite team. People have been stabbed, attacked, beaten to a pulp, suffer paralysis, and even killed for liking the other team. Is that okay? Is that what being a sports fan is all about? That is pure hatred!!!!!!

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Weight! Size! Vanity! Shallow! Sick! Destrcuctive! Shall I go on?????

Do I have your attention? Certain that my body, mind, and soul finally have my attention. Took too damn long, and more importantly it took far more than that for me to wake up. Not to say that I have been unaware of what has been going on with my body, mind, and soul. Problem has been more about self-worth, self-love, and personal value. They all sound similar, but they are all quite different. We each may have our own definition of what they mean. For me I know that it has taken until nearly the age of 40 to figure it out, and mind you I am still figuring it out. I do know that I have not loved myself for a very long time. I have not held a lot of self-worth, and I have not valued myself the way I should have. There are a number of reasons why, and I will go into detail at a later date. I will tell you that I did not make the best decisions with who I chose to have in my life for most of my life, and it took a toll. Those people who I thought loved me, who I thought protected me, who I thought valued me…well they were phony. It formed and transformed. Now…you will never hear me say I was, or am perfect. But I now know for a fact who loves me, I know for a fact who protects me, and I know for a fact who values me. We have all been there to some extent.

The above are key ingredients to a path of self-destruction, and it begins without us even realizing it. Lose a bit of who we are, and we begin to not take care of ourselves. Continue to lose a little more of yourself here and there; think you gain a little more of yourself here and there; lose a little more…you get the picture. Add all of that over a span of 20 plus years, and shit is going to unravel. When it was unraveling all along right before your eyes yet you were the last one to see it. You knew it in your gut, but you ignore it. So what happens? You are stuck in a haze. You begin to not exercise. You begin to not eat well. Your emotional, mental, and physical health take a toll. Well, I am here to tell you that this body of mine can no longer take it. Hit after hit, and now I have not been well for the past five years…actually for the past 20 years. I mean my H-E-A-L-T-H!!! I am not talking about my thighs, or my bum…I am talking about too many damn specialists know me more than I would like them to.

Thank God for modern medicine, and for those who have been graced with the gift of healing. Not every doctor I have seen has been right for me, but I have many that truly have my best interest at heart. I know several of you who are reading this may be giving a little positive nod to right about now, because you can relate. Some of the things I have going on, and have had going on for years, I am learning that I cannot do anything about. Meaning that the process cannot be reversed. Not terminal cancer or anything, but still very scary! I have actually had some of my worse fears become realities. Some of you know about some of the things, but let me share some of my medical issues. Why? Because I may be able to help someone who I care for, or may be able to help a new friend. I have fibromyalgia, and I have had it since I was 21. Diagnosed when people had never heard of it, and it was such a controversial topic. Still is, but it is very real and debilitating . Migraines….UGH! Most of those who suffer with migraines have vascular migraines, but mine are not. Mine are neurological which are quite different, and extreme to put it lightly. I have a form of rheumatoid arthritis that I have had since before I was 30. Now I have something wonky going on with my optic nerves. Hysterectomy I am avoiding. Yeah…I know! What a friggin mess, but it is the body I have been given. These are things that I cannot control…they all have a mind of their own. Best neurosurgeon I know said my nerves are screwed basically. Just the way I was wired. So….why am I telling you this? Because I have made things worse for myself by not living a healthy lifestyle. Knowing, but not knowing at the same time. Make sense? Not realizing the risk.

This is where Candi rises from the ashes, and takes charge!!!!!!! I may not be able to control what all my body wants to do, but I can control what I put into my body. I can control my body movement until my body says, “Hell no Candi I am in control!”! Thankful I have an amazing support system for when this does happen. SO THE CHANGE! This means eating cleaner, establishing fitness habits suited for me, and listening to my body. Our bodies tell us so much that we intentionally ignore. Then the dirty cycle starts, and madness is unleashed. Soda…yum, Candy…yum, Anything BAD…YUMMI! I am not saying that I am going to be a perfect eater, or a mad gym rat. (Who knows…that could change too.) I am not setting unrealistic expectations. I do not want to look a certain way. Everyone is different, and this is me.I want to age gracefully, and pray I look as amazing as my 102 year old (103 next month) Grandmother. My Grandmother is healthier than most people I know, and she never poisoned her body. You know what I want…I want that ass I had in junior high and high school that everyone made fun of. I want that not perfect stomach that I had after giving birth to beautiful babies. I want my natural hourglass shape that I use to love to look at. I want my thicker hair back. All that will happen when I feel better about what I am doing to take care of myself. My body will love itself once I love it. I may not like the way I look now, but I love myself more now than I did when I was 60 pounds lighter.

For all of you who feel any way I feel, or can just relate at all….LOVE YOU NOW!!!!!!!! To hell with the haters, because they never change and we are not getting any younger. “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!” If you are not well seek medical attention, and if you are not happy with who you see keep searching until you find who is right for you. It has taken me years, and I am not done. Being sick sucks, and is expensive…more importantly you have loved ones that do not want to see you not well. I now know this! There are ways if you do not have insurance. Not trying to rant, but I have several friends that are sick that need to love themselves more. Just like I needed to…I still do.

Thank you for allowing me to share!

XOXO -C

Lifestyle Overhaul…How much is too much to share???

This family is long overdue for a lifestyle overhaul. I know I am not alone nor is my family..many of us are living unhealthy lifestyles. I have read several blogs that are about their personal diet/fitness journey. Several I find informational, and entertaining. Then there are some that just do not hold my interest. I personally want to find a way to do this change on my own. What I mean is that I do not want to become a distributor for a product nor do I want to be involved in multi-level marketing. To each his own! If that is what you do, and it works for you then that is wonderful.

Now…I am curious what real people are interested in reading, and seeing. What do you HONESTLY want to learn about the person blogging about their personal diet, fitness, and lifestyle change??? How much is too much to share? I use to be an open book before I learned that being open, and honest is not accepted by all. I share a lot, but there is so much I keep private. Some of these private matters I am wanting, and willing to share. I want to share to help hold myself accountable, and I want to share in the hopes that I can help others. Even if what I have to say, and show helps one person. I am not starting a business, I am not trying to become famous, and I am not trying to embarrass myself. There are several reasons my family needs this change, and I would eventually like to talk about all of the reasons.

With that being said…I am debating on how much I should share. Do I share the transformation photos? My old self would not bat an eye over sharing photos of my body. My body now is not anything I am proud of. As a matter of fact I hate my body, and am quite embarrassed by it. The way I think I look, and the way I actually look are not the same. At one point in my life I loved mirrors and anything that showed my reflection. I even loved my shadow. Well, that is not at all the case now. I hate all mirrors, anything that shows my reflection, hate my shadow, and hate most photos. This change is not so I can only look better, but so I can be healthier.

This is where I would like for you to share your thoughts on the the subject. I welcome your opinions, and I thank you in advance. This has been on my mind for quite some time now, and am working towards this new path.

XOXO -C