Middle Finger To Bitter Reminders

This is just the beginning.

I did not go far. In reality I never physically left. Momentarily I left my mind…just a smidge. Although enough to just piss me off. Why? You might ask. Well, I am about to tell you.

Do you ever see, smell, taste, or feel something that transports you far back into your past? I can say it happens often. Most of the time they are very pleasant reminders. This week I had several reminders that were far from pleasant. So unpleasant that I could not just shake them off. Brought up memories that I wish I could forever forget.

Want to know what they were? The first one was a picture that a Facebook friend posted. It was a high school basketball group photo from 1989. My high school boyfriend was on the team, and in that photo. How can I say this without sounding ugly? UHM! I can’t!! He is a monster. Many things I struggle with stem from that relationship. A relationship that lasted for four and a half years. I will share a bit, but not all. One day I will share all, and it is worth sharing. This person, cannot call him a man, is the first boyfriend that abused me. I am not talking about silly teenage fights. I am talking full on physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, and mental abuse. And I never told anyone. Not until it was too late. He knew better than to leave my face heavily bruised. I have four older brothers, and they would have lost their minds if they knew. When they did find out they had to be calmed down to not beat the shit out of him. One brother was ready to go to his house. I mean…bat in car and headed to his house. Until my brother realized what could happen, and the ramifications it would have. This boyfriend was a poster child, and nobody would have believed me if I did tell. He was nice looking, dressed well, good student, smart, athlete, well liked, and from a good family. I stayed with him for so long, because he made me believe nobody would want to have anything to do with me. All of this, and the unsaid, immediately rushed my mind as soon as I saw him in that photo. The shame of all that I have carried rushed over me. Feelings and memories I work hard to forget flooded my mind. The shame of that relationship, and all that it created flooded my heart. At the same time I realized how much started with him. If I had known then that my entire life would be affected by this person then I would have dropped him instantly. We never know those things though do we?!!? For 27 years I have been saying that I will tell “My Story”, and I am still not fully comfortable doing so. Sharing all that I have is a stretch. Or shall I say it’s the beginning. It will make sense, or not, when I do tell. It is a story that is mind blowing. It is also a story that I have survived.

The second memory was brought on by a simple sip of coffee. A coffee flavor I love. A sip of coffee I took while with my daughter. She took notice as to how quickly my mood changed. Again this is a story that I am not yet completely comfortable telling, but I have to start somewhere. That simple sip of coffee was my somewhere. The taste of that coffee took me back 19 years. Also to a relationship that would affect my life forever. Took me back to a moment that I had almost forgotten. Took me back to a specific day as if I were in that moment all over again. Back into the house I lived in. Back to how it was furnished and decorated. Back to how the weather was that day. Back to the smells of that day. My babies were babies, and I could smell their sweet smell. But that coffee smell overpowered everything. I was a manager at a coffee store that roasted their own coffee beans. That smell was terrific, but the day was horrific. I was already in a very bad place in life, and I had no idea how much worse it would actually get. It was the day I realized I could no longer be in that relationship. This may not make sense, but it is a tiny yet significant moment. Not only a moment in my lives, but in the lives of others. And another mind blowing story. It is also a story that I have survived.

These reminders brought up memories I have shoved away in a deep dark pit. I was drowning in my own personal undertow. Emotions I have not felt in years quickly changed my mood. Made me question things I have not wondered about in quite a long time. I could not shake the darkness. This darkness was used by others to control me. To bring me down to places so deep. Places I would have never imagined actually existed. These people stripped me of everything. Stripped me of my existence. Stripped away my humanity.

It’s safe to say that I am not at all fond of these reminders. I had to dig deep to pull out of this as quickly as I was put there. Had to tell myself that these demons are no longer a part of my being. These demons are no longer a part of my head, heart, and soul. These demons do not define me. For 27 I have fought against all of this bullshit. I fought, and I won. I will always win!!!

Here lies the root of my core beliefs. As well as roots to who I am. I hope to share all that I have in order to help others. If I can help one person. If I could help 100. If I can help myself by simply telling “My Story”. I can tell you that I have learned a lot, but only because I no longer allow the demons to sit on my chest. Important to push them out, push them away, and to tell them to fuck the fuck off!!

XOXO

-C

 

 

 

 

 

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I Am Moulting

No…I’m not kidding. I am shedding old skin, and am well aware of it. We all do it. Difference is whether we realize it when it is actually happening. Why do I say this? Surely your asking yourself why. Well, it’s because I have entered a new phase in my life. A phase I knew was nearing. Honestly had no idea the effect it would have on me. It has brought on a great deal of self realization. Deep rooted emotions have come to surface. None of which is bad. Unexpected perhaps, but not bad.

This is where I currently stand in my personal life. I am 41 years old. I am a housewife. I am a stay-at-home mother. Both positions I hold proudly. Beyond grateful to be able to have these jobs. And yes they are actual jobs. I have worked in the past. Working a job outside of the home can be fulfilling. Of course I would like to earn money. Of course I need more money. Who doesn’t?!? All of these topics plague my mind on a daily basis. What to do? How to do it better? How not to screw it up? How to relive the stress of daily life? Most of the time I have answers. One question I am unable to answer is…”Who am I?”.

My life is going to change drastically in 2020. My youngest child with graduate high school, and go off to college. My oldest daughter will be deep into career, love, and simple adult life. Neither of them will need me as much as they do now. The child rearing years will be past us. Of course I’ll always be around. I’ll always be their Mommi. The question that I cannot answer is…”What will I do then?”. Who will Candi become at that point? What will I do now to plan for that time? Most everything in my life has been unplanned. I’ve done most of it flying by the seat of my pants. How will I ground myself? Believe me when I say I am grounded. Much more than I was at 19, 26, and even 37.

In my mind I’ll be close to my youngest while she’s in college. I want to do her laundry when it needs washing. I’ll be able to travel to my oldest wherever she may live. I’ll be able to travel to far away places with her. Slowly but surely I have been able to do all of, or most of, the things with my girls that I’ve wanted to. All of which would not have, or not be, possible without my husband.

Four years from now my husband, and I will be empty nesters. We look forward to it. I also look forward to four more years of high school. I look forward to my oldest daughter’s senior year of college. Which is already here. In the blink of an eye I had a precious perfect baby, and now she’s about to graduate college. It all seemed rushed. If I could go back I would change so much. My life is much different now thankfully. I don’t want anymore to be rushed. It’s all too precious. Every little aspect. Regardless…I raised a spectacular young woman. I’m raising another spectacular young woman. I know I will be lost without it. Need to create a safety net for myself.

Forever I have been a Mom. Happy to. Always will be. The idea of my girls all being gone is a little daunting. I do not know who I am without them. This all came to light suddenly. Yes I have thought about who I am many times. Knowing who I am as an individual has always been on my mind. I can pick that apart at a later date. What I am getting at is…”What will I do with my life?”. I do not have a career. I am not an active volunteer. I am not a student. I have always wanted to do more with my life. Where do you begin with a new beginning at my age? A lot of ideas are always on the table. Suppose my issue is how to compartmentalize.

We have phases in life that we do not realize when we are actually going through them. This phase in my life is crystal clear. I am shedding old skin, and growing new skin. I am moulting! Realizing how much I need to be in the present is obvious. Realizing how much of my old self I need to let go is also obvious.

We have all entered new chapters of our lives. I most certainly am looking forward to every bit of it. All while I try to figure it out. Figure out how to reinvent myself. Figure out how to consistently be in the present. Figure out how to look to the future without being afraid.

Time to let go while holding on.

 

XOXO

-C

Lawdy Lawdy Candi is 40!

Ever imagine how your birthday will turn out? Ever wonder about it for years, and years? Well, I have and I did. That doesn’t mean that I expected a lot, or that I wanted a lot. What did I want? I wanted to feel well enough to be happy on my birthday…that happened! I wanted to spend my birthday with my family…that happened. Although one child is at college in another state, and another child is busy with college and work. A text or a voicemail goes a very long way with me! It isn’t every day that I wake up smiling, smile all day, and go to bed with a smile on my face. But I have for the last couple of nights. Thankful!!! Let’s face it…I was the center of attention growing up, and I still am. Do not mean that in a way that is vain, but it’s the truth. Growing up I was the youngest of five, and the only girl. Duh…I had a lot of attention. Now…I’m a wife and a mother, and still receive a lot of attention. Most of which is good and positive. Not that all of the attention all of my life has been. With all of that being said…believe it or not, I do not expect the attention these days. So…when I receive birthday wishes, prayers, good juju, and genuine kind thoughts…I am always surprised. It warms my heart, makes me cry a few happy tears, and always makes me feel wonderful. All of us wish for good wishes, and great days. Shoot…most of us wish for good years. I will take any good year that I can get, but I am also happy with a good day. My G asked me how my last day to be 39 was, and I was happy I could honestly say it was very good. Yes…we celebrate the last day of whatever age we are. It’s usually a week long celebration. I can honestly say that my birthday yesterday was perfect, grand, fun, and blissful. I was over the moon when My G told me we were going to a hockey game. The Ice is and forever will be my first true love. All of my adult life I have wanted to attend a hockey game on my actual bday, and it happened!!! Still smiling about it…we had so much fun!! We danced, we cheered, we laughed, and we made it on the jumbo screen. Oh…don’t let me forget to tell you about the players we saw after the game. My daughter and I were loving life! All around, so far, it has been wonderful turning forty. Another fun thing about my birthday is that it is always within a couple of days of The Super Bowl. We like football, food, and beer in this house. So tomorrow we will continue to celebrate while we are a house divided when it comes to the game this year. We usually are divided with sports teams so watching games is usually a lot of fun. We will clean today so we can chill tomorrow. For now I am not going to think about doctor visits, tests, results, or any of the such. I am going to bask in the celebration of Candi, and just take it all in. Sometimes that’s what is needed! Thank you so so so so much, from the bottom of my heart, for all of the wishes you sent my way. Each wish is felt and appreciated. You know…it feels great knowing you are loved as much as I am. I tend to forget that, and I am definitely going to work on remembering.

XOXO -C

Very Very Near to That Fab 40

As I grow into my grown up years I am realizing more and more. Yes I have remained a little spoiled brat for 39 years…no worries, I’m not changing. All my life I have very much been a worrier, and a bad one. I’m not saying that I no longer worry, but maybe that I’m handling that part of me a lot better. Learning to choose my battles has been quite the lesson. Most birthdays I have looked forward to, and even more so now. I have surpassed my brother who passed at barely the age of 37, and my father passed at 46 almost 47. So life in numbers means a great deal to each person in my family. Oh, have I mentioned that my beautiful grandmother is 103? Yes…That Is Correct…103! How lucky I will be if I grow to age as well phenomenally as she has.
Well, I know a few things about my view as 40 nears. I have said for over ten years that I will look better in my better 40’s than I ever have. I planned on being that way on the 40th Bday, but my body has had other plans. No fear I have all year! I always knew 40 would be fabulous and I still believe that. I always knew I would be excited to be this age, and I still am. I knew I would have met my Prince Charming, fall in love, and have married him by 40…I have and I did. Thank God for second chances! I knew being 40 with adult children and a teenager would be great, and it is. All of these things did happen, and I’m eternally grateful. Although my road has not been perfect, and still is not, I am learning to love my perfectly imperfect life. I have learned where to find encouragement, where to build strength from, and I have learned how to truly believe. I have learned to forgive, and I’m still learning. With that being said…I have learned who my true friends are. Thank God I finally saw the light in that department of my life!!!! I have learned that I am truly sick, and it is time to seriously listen to my body. I’m learning how to utilize my resources. I firmly believe in always going with my intuition which is usually spot on. My body, mind, heart, and soul have limits that I must stay in tune with. Easy for me to get off track.

What I hope for my fabulously fabulous year of forty….
-To be better with my follow through. Although it cannot be helped at times due to my health.
-Take advantage of every day I have energy, and every day I feel even half way decent.
-To spend more time with loved ones. Everyone leads such busy and hectic lives. It can be difficult, but not impossible.
-Manage my migraines better. Yes…that’s a huge one!
-To read more.
-To travel more. Even if it is only to Ft. Worth or East Texas.
-Try something new every day. I am pretty good about doing already, but could be better.
-Begin Yoga.
-Begin Krav Maga.
-Freshen up my dance moves.
-Plan our vacations now!
-Make it to a few GSW Soccer games!!!!! Road trip or flight…WOOP WOOP!!
-Ice Skate again.
-Save $
-Earn $
-Blog daily!
-Make that permanent lifestyle change I have been gibb gabbing about for seven years.

Sounds like a lot, but it can be done. Certain that isn’t all…just all that has been on my mind a lot lately. I’ll do my best to keep y’all updated on my progress.

XOXO -C

Oooohhhh The Oncology Visits

A little about today. My first visit to the oncologist was on the 13th, and I had to be back in a week and a half. I believe in a lot of things, and I believe my second visit to the oncologist was suppose to be today. When I was told I would need to be back on the 27th I was taken a back a bit, because today is my brother Michael’s Bday. (He’s been gone 13 years, and gone WAY WAY WAY too soon!) This day is usually spent doing something my brother loved. Anyways…I looked at the nurse and told her the 27th was just fine. I was busy today so I really didn’t have a lot of time to think about my visit. I have also been down for a couple of weeks so I’m trying to feel better. Having to see an oncologist can be a little unnerving, and I was to receive news on labs today. Main reason I was able to keep my cool is because I have a strong support system…Thank God. Worked out that I was able to talk to My Be’Be’, have My Bug with me who is such a great sport, have lunch with Our G, and My G was able to make it to the visit. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous as soon as we arrived. It was nice to have My G there, because he’s the other part of my brain. I forget so much these days. Turns out I have a friend that works at the office which was nice. We caught up and laughed a lot. Then the doctor walks in, and nerves hit hard. Few tears that I was able to hide. Everything worked out to where I was able to start iron replacement intravenously. All of that went fine. Oh, except difficult veins. Took to the third try. Not so good thing is that my white blood cell count jumped quite a bit since my first visit. My white blood cell count has been high for many many years, but not as high as it was today. I go back in a week for another treatment, and hopefully more answers. One step at a time…I understand this is a process. I definitely felt surrounded by great juju! Felt those Angels! I’m thankful that we are getting answers from a terrific doctor who has a great staff. I’m thankful I have such a supporting and loving family! And I appreciate all of you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. & Happy Birthday Michael Leff!!!! We will celebrate our birthdays together forever…I love you!!!

XOXO -C

Pope Francis’ suggested New Year’s resolutions

Brilliantly simplistic, and genuine!

CNS Blog

(CNS/Paul Haring) (CNS/Paul Haring)

VATICAN CITY — When Pope Francis met before Christmas with Vatican employees, mostly lay people with families, he asked them to do 10 things. The list sounded remarkably like suggestions for New Year’s resolutions:

— “Take care of your spiritual life, your relationship with God, because this is the backbone of everything we do and everything we are.”

— “Take care of your family life, giving your children and loved ones not just money, but most of all your time, attention and love.”

— “Take care of your relationships with others, transforming your faith into life and your words into good works, especially on behalf of the needy.”

— “Be careful how you speak, purify your tongue of offensive words, vulgarity and worldly decadence.”

— “Heal wounds of the heart with the oil of forgiveness, forgiving those who have hurt us and medicating the wounds we have caused…

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Thankful for a Great Day

I have to tell you all that I appreciate you, and I enjoy sharing so many things with you. I also enjoy seeing what you all share. There are days, like today, that are so much fun. Being a stay at home mom can be very entertaining. Homeschooling can also be very entertaining especially when you have a super cool teenager. Teenager? Weird to say that, because I’m talking about my baby. Anyhow…it’s been a great day. I can’t say that about every day so I will eat up all the days that are great, good, and mediocre. Why was it so good? Well I was able to cook for my husband, my daughter, and myself. Sounds simple I know, but some days I can’t do that. I was able to clean, and do everything on my own. I was able to indulge in television, and the internet. I was able to teach my daughter, and learn new things with her. I was able to laugh my head off with my daughter. I was able to share, share, share with you all. Most of this is possible, because I have fantastic doctors. Yes…I rely on modern medicine because I have to. Thankful beyond words that I am able to have healing physicians. Those injections I get have a huge effect on my life. I forget how much the injections improve my daily life. The last ones I had were around March, or April. I am not 100% pain free, but I am 60% better than I was. I’ll take it too! Plus the steroids take 7-10 to take full effect, and it has only been 4 days since my injections. Having to deal with pain throughout your entire body is debilitating, and most certainly doesn’t help your state of mind. Not being able to sleep well doesn’t help either. Several of you understand exactly what I am talking about. I appreciate my friends that share their stories, and talk to me about mine. Your empathy, understanding, and encouragement is deeply appreciated. It would be great if none of us had to deal with the daily pain, but we do the best we can. My next step in improving my lifestyle will be to work on my diet. I will be doing the 10 Day Green Smoothie Cleanse, and incorporating more movement. Not expecting overnight results, and I know this will be a new journey. I am ready for the change, and I am ready for this new path I’m about to take. Ready to be healthier, stronger, and thinner. Would be great if any of you cared to join me. Helping one another can have a huge impact on all of our lives. At any rate, thank you for reading what I wrote. Thank you for being there! You are all My Lovelies! 😘

XOXO   -C