I Am Moulting

No…I’m not kidding. I am shedding old skin, and am well aware of it. We all do it. Difference is whether we realize it when it is actually happening. Why do I say this? Surely your asking yourself why. Well, it’s because I have entered a new phase in my life. A phase I knew was nearing. Honestly had no idea the effect it would have on me. It has brought on a great deal of self realization. Deep rooted emotions have come to surface. None of which is bad. Unexpected perhaps, but not bad.

This is where I currently stand in my personal life. I am 41 years old. I am a housewife. I am a stay-at-home mother. Both positions I hold proudly. Beyond grateful to be able to have these jobs. And yes they are actual jobs. I have worked in the past. Working a job outside of the home can be fulfilling. Of course I would like to earn money. Of course I need more money. Who doesn’t?!? All of these topics plague my mind on a daily basis. What to do? How to do it better? How not to screw it up? How to relive the stress of daily life? Most of the time I have answers. One question I am unable to answer is…”Who am I?”.

My life is going to change drastically in 2020. My youngest child with graduate high school, and go off to college. My oldest daughter will be deep into career, love, and simple adult life. Neither of them will need me as much as they do now. The child rearing years will be past us. Of course I’ll always be around. I’ll always be their Mommi. The question that I cannot answer is…”What will I do then?”. Who will Candi become at that point? What will I do now to plan for that time? Most everything in my life has been unplanned. I’ve done most of it flying by the seat of my pants. How will I ground myself? Believe me when I say I am grounded. Much more than I was at 19, 26, and even 37.

In my mind I’ll be close to my youngest while she’s in college. I want to do her laundry when it needs washing. I’ll be able to travel to my oldest wherever she may live. I’ll be able to travel to far away places with her. Slowly but surely I have been able to do all of, or most of, the things with my girls that I’ve wanted to. All of which would not have, or not be, possible without my husband.

Four years from now my husband, and I will be empty nesters. We look forward to it. I also look forward to four more years of high school. I look forward to my oldest daughter’s senior year of college. Which is already here. In the blink of an eye I had a precious perfect baby, and now she’s about to graduate college. It all seemed rushed. If I could go back I would change so much. My life is much different now thankfully. I don’t want anymore to be rushed. It’s all too precious. Every little aspect. Regardless…I raised a spectacular young woman. I’m raising another spectacular young woman. I know I will be lost without it. Need to create a safety net for myself.

Forever I have been a Mom. Happy to. Always will be. The idea of my girls all being gone is a little daunting. I do not know who I am without them. This all came to light suddenly. Yes I have thought about who I am many times. Knowing who I am as an individual has always been on my mind. I can pick that apart at a later date. What I am getting at is…”What will I do with my life?”. I do not have a career. I am not an active volunteer. I am not a student. I have always wanted to do more with my life. Where do you begin with a new beginning at my age? A lot of ideas are always on the table. Suppose my issue is how to compartmentalize.

We have phases in life that we do not realize when we are actually going through them. This phase in my life is crystal clear. I am shedding old skin, and growing new skin. I am moulting! Realizing how much I need to be in the present is obvious. Realizing how much of my old self I need to let go is also obvious.

We have all entered new chapters of our lives. I most certainly am looking forward to every bit of it. All while I try to figure it out. Figure out how to reinvent myself. Figure out how to consistently be in the present. Figure out how to look to the future without being afraid.

Time to let go while holding on.

 

XOXO

-C

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