Weight! Size! Vanity! Shallow! Sick! Destrcuctive! Shall I go on?????

Do I have your attention? Certain that my body, mind, and soul finally have my attention. Took too damn long, and more importantly it took far more than that for me to wake up. Not to say that I have been unaware of what has been going on with my body, mind, and soul. Problem has been more about self-worth, self-love, and personal value. They all sound similar, but they are all quite different. We each may have our own definition of what they mean. For me I know that it has taken until nearly the age of 40 to figure it out, and mind you I am still figuring it out. I do know that I have not loved myself for a very long time. I have not held a lot of self-worth, and I have not valued myself the way I should have. There are a number of reasons why, and I will go into detail at a later date. I will tell you that I did not make the best decisions with who I chose to have in my life for most of my life, and it took a toll. Those people who I thought loved me, who I thought protected me, who I thought valued me…well they were phony. It formed and transformed. Now…you will never hear me say I was, or am perfect. But I now know for a fact who loves me, I know for a fact who protects me, and I know for a fact who values me. We have all been there to some extent.

The above are key ingredients to a path of self-destruction, and it begins without us even realizing it. Lose a bit of who we are, and we begin to not take care of ourselves. Continue to lose a little more of yourself here and there; think you gain a little more of yourself here and there; lose a little more…you get the picture. Add all of that over a span of 20 plus years, and shit is going to unravel. When it was unraveling all along right before your eyes yet you were the last one to see it. You knew it in your gut, but you ignore it. So what happens? You are stuck in a haze. You begin to not exercise. You begin to not eat well. Your emotional, mental, and physical health take a toll. Well, I am here to tell you that this body of mine can no longer take it. Hit after hit, and now I have not been well for the past five years…actually for the past 20 years. I mean my H-E-A-L-T-H!!! I am not talking about my thighs, or my bum…I am talking about too many damn specialists know me more than I would like them to.

Thank God for modern medicine, and for those who have been graced with the gift of healing. Not every doctor I have seen has been right for me, but I have many that truly have my best interest at heart. I know several of you who are reading this may be giving a little positive nod to right about now, because you can relate. Some of the things I have going on, and have had going on for years, I am learning that I cannot do anything about. Meaning that the process cannot be reversed. Not terminal cancer or anything, but still very scary! I have actually had some of my worse fears become realities. Some of you know about some of the things, but let me share some of my medical issues. Why? Because I may be able to help someone who I care for, or may be able to help a new friend. I have fibromyalgia, and I have had it since I was 21. Diagnosed when people had never heard of it, and it was such a controversial topic. Still is, but it is very real and debilitating . Migraines….UGH! Most of those who suffer with migraines have vascular migraines, but mine are not. Mine are neurological which are quite different, and extreme to put it lightly. I have a form of rheumatoid arthritis that I have had since before I was 30. Now I have something wonky going on with my optic nerves. Hysterectomy I am avoiding. Yeah…I know! What a friggin mess, but it is the body I have been given. These are things that I cannot control…they all have a mind of their own. Best neurosurgeon I know said my nerves are screwed basically. Just the way I was wired. So….why am I telling you this? Because I have made things worse for myself by not living a healthy lifestyle. Knowing, but not knowing at the same time. Make sense? Not realizing the risk.

This is where Candi rises from the ashes, and takes charge!!!!!!! I may not be able to control what all my body wants to do, but I can control what I put into my body. I can control my body movement until my body says, “Hell no Candi I am in control!”! Thankful I have an amazing support system for when this does happen. SO THE CHANGE! This means eating cleaner, establishing fitness habits suited for me, and listening to my body. Our bodies tell us so much that we intentionally ignore. Then the dirty cycle starts, and madness is unleashed. Soda…yum, Candy…yum, Anything BAD…YUMMI! I am not saying that I am going to be a perfect eater, or a mad gym rat. (Who knows…that could change too.) I am not setting unrealistic expectations. I do not want to look a certain way. Everyone is different, and this is me.I want to age gracefully, and pray I look as amazing as my 102 year old (103 next month) Grandmother. My Grandmother is healthier than most people I know, and she never poisoned her body. You know what I want…I want that ass I had in junior high and high school that everyone made fun of. I want that not perfect stomach that I had after giving birth to beautiful babies. I want my natural hourglass shape that I use to love to look at. I want my thicker hair back. All that will happen when I feel better about what I am doing to take care of myself. My body will love itself once I love it. I may not like the way I look now, but I love myself more now than I did when I was 60 pounds lighter.

For all of you who feel any way I feel, or can just relate at all….LOVE YOU NOW!!!!!!!! To hell with the haters, because they never change and we are not getting any younger. “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!” If you are not well seek medical attention, and if you are not happy with who you see keep searching until you find who is right for you. It has taken me years, and I am not done. Being sick sucks, and is expensive…more importantly you have loved ones that do not want to see you not well. I now know this! There are ways if you do not have insurance. Not trying to rant, but I have several friends that are sick that need to love themselves more. Just like I needed to…I still do.

Thank you for allowing me to share!

XOXO -C

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