This is just the beginning.
I did not go far. In reality I never physically left. Momentarily I left my mind…just a smidge. Although enough to just piss me off. Why? You might ask. Well, I am about to tell you.
Do you ever see, smell, taste, or feel something that transports you far back into your past? I can say it happens often. Most of the time they are very pleasant reminders. This week I had several reminders that were far from pleasant. So unpleasant that I could not just shake them off. Brought up memories that I wish I could forever forget.
Want to know what they were? The first one was a picture that a Facebook friend posted. It was a high school basketball group photo from 1989. My high school boyfriend was on the team, and in that photo. How can I say this without sounding ugly? UHM! I can’t!! He is a monster. Many things I struggle with stem from that relationship. A relationship that lasted for four and a half years. I will share a bit, but not all. One day I will share all, and it is worth sharing. This person, cannot call him a man, is the first boyfriend that abused me. I am not talking about silly teenage fights. I am talking full on physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, and mental abuse. And I never told anyone. Not until it was too late. He knew better than to leave my face heavily bruised. I have four older brothers, and they would have lost their minds if they knew. When they did find out they had to be calmed down to not beat the shit out of him. One brother was ready to go to his house. I mean…bat in car and headed to his house. Until my brother realized what could happen, and the ramifications it would have. This boyfriend was a poster child, and nobody would have believed me if I did tell. He was nice looking, dressed well, good student, smart, athlete, well liked, and from a good family. I stayed with him for so long, because he made me believe nobody would want to have anything to do with me. All of this, and the unsaid, immediately rushed my mind as soon as I saw him in that photo. The shame of all that I have carried rushed over me. Feelings and memories I work hard to forget flooded my mind. The shame of that relationship, and all that it created flooded my heart. At the same time I realized how much started with him. If I had known then that my entire life would be affected by this person then I would have dropped him instantly. We never know those things though do we?!!? For 27 years I have been saying that I will tell “My Story”, and I am still not fully comfortable doing so. Sharing all that I have is a stretch. Or shall I say it’s the beginning. It will make sense, or not, when I do tell. It is a story that is mind blowing. It is also a story that I have survived.
The second memory was brought on by a simple sip of coffee. A coffee flavor I love. A sip of coffee I took while with my daughter. She took notice as to how quickly my mood changed. Again this is a story that I am not yet completely comfortable telling, but I have to start somewhere. That simple sip of coffee was my somewhere. The taste of that coffee took me back 19 years. Also to a relationship that would affect my life forever. Took me back to a moment that I had almost forgotten. Took me back to a specific day as if I were in that moment all over again. Back into the house I lived in. Back to how it was furnished and decorated. Back to how the weather was that day. Back to the smells of that day. My babies were babies, and I could smell their sweet smell. But that coffee smell overpowered everything. I was a manager at a coffee store that roasted their own coffee beans. That smell was terrific, but the day was horrific. I was already in a very bad place in life, and I had no idea how much worse it would actually get. It was the day I realized I could no longer be in that relationship. This may not make sense, but it is a tiny yet significant moment. Not only a moment in my lives, but in the lives of others. And another mind blowing story. It is also a story that I have survived.
These reminders brought up memories I have shoved away in a deep dark pit. I was drowning in my own personal undertow. Emotions I have not felt in years quickly changed my mood. Made me question things I have not wondered about in quite a long time. I could not shake the darkness. This darkness was used by others to control me. To bring me down to places so deep. Places I would have never imagined actually existed. These people stripped me of everything. Stripped me of my existence. Stripped away my humanity.
It’s safe to say that I am not at all fond of these reminders. I had to dig deep to pull out of this as quickly as I was put there. Had to tell myself that these demons are no longer a part of my being. These demons are no longer a part of my head, heart, and soul. These demons do not define me. For 27 I have fought against all of this bullshit. I fought, and I won. I will always win!!!
Here lies the root of my core beliefs. As well as roots to who I am. I hope to share all that I have in order to help others. If I can help one person. If I could help 100. If I can help myself by simply telling “My Story”. I can tell you that I have learned a lot, but only because I no longer allow the demons to sit on my chest. Important to push them out, push them away, and to tell them to fuck the fuck off!!